The Space Between Structure And Freedom

(03 August 2025)

It felt like Christmas in June. I was finally separating from the Navy. I could hardly sleep the night before from all the exciting thoughts going through my head. “How am I going to celebrate?”. “What is the first thing I’m going to do?”.

That morning, I woke up earlier than usual for the big day. I made sure my hair was extra slicked with gel, my makeup was subtle and natural, and made sure I put on my best uniform. Triple checking all of my checkout sheets for my command, it finally hit me. I’m actually separating the Navy.

Excitement swirled with anxiety. The Navy has been my whole world since I graduated high school. Was I ready to leave out into the real world again? I knew a part of my life would end and a new one would begin. And that was frightening. 

Gathering all of my paperwork, I got to my car, and drove to base one last time. I waited morning gate traffic, just like every other day. The gate guard looked at my CAC card like always. Only this time it was, goodbye.

Everything felt meaningful. Pulling Tinto the parking lot, walking through the turnstile, stepping into my command. These people, most of the strangers, became part of my every day routine. It felt strange knowing I’d probably never see them again. In a way it made me unexpectedly sad. Why am I getting sad over a person I never even knew? I knew after today I would be free and tomorrow they would still be working or standing watch. They’ll still be working hard while I’ll be at home sleeping in wondering what to do with my day. I felt empathy.

I walked to admin, heart pounding through my well kept uniform. Deep down I wanted to grab my paperwork and make a run for it. But I knew the right thing to do would be to say my goodbyes. So that’s what I did. I sat through every Chief and Officers “farewell” speech, the thing I was trying to avoid. I knew they meant well and they’re just looking after there sailors. All of them said along the same thing. “You are still a Sailor”, “You still represent the United States Navy.”. I thought to myself, “Not after today, I’ll be a civilian as soon as I leave this base.”. 

I went back to the admin office where I had to do the hardest thing ever. Surrender my CAC card. The one thing that gave me healthcare, government access, and discounts at my favorite shops. It was finally gone.

The only thing left to do was leave base. As I was walking back to my card a weight lifted off my chest. Simultaneously, feeling grief and despair that part of my life as ending and a new one was beginning. Shouldn’t I be excited? I walked to my car, open the car door, and sat silence. 

The drive off base was the hardest. A huge wave of emotions came over me. Sadness, pride, fear and an unexpected emptiness. My military career has ended. I was leaving my job, my structured life, and people who became my second family behind. I wondered, “ Would I ever find that kind of bond again?”. They were more than coworkers. We sweat through long shifts, laughed until we couldn’t breathe, and shared traditions only those who’ve served could understand.

I drove away with the morning sun in my rearview as I heard the sound of the afterburner from F-18 jets. I didn’t know what would be next, but I knew I couldn’t go back. Freedom was beautiful, but also terrifying. And that’s the part no one talks about.